I find that law school is an especially hard place for me.
I love law school. A lot of people get cynical somewhere in there. But I love it. I enjoy reading, learning new things, being around intelligent people, making friends, competing. I think God wired me to enjoy even the stressful parts of law school.
Law school is especially hard for me because it invites me to worship things other than Jesus. I suppose that this is true of any profession and of any place you could end up. But it is especially true of law school. Everyone comes to law school very driven. Everyone who makes it in is very intelligent. Everyone wants to make good grades. You breath in - consciously or subconsciously - the competitive air.
I go to Georgia State. I am almost certain that this competitive aspect of law school is worse in other places. I have not actually run into too much of the arrogance that I suspect may be true of some other law schools. Nevertheless, people here still really want to succeed.
There is the feeling - and it is probably true - that there will not be as many jobs available at graduation as there are people graduating. That reality is floating over our heads. And in every class we are graded on a curve. The way to succeed in class - which you need to do to get a job - is to beat out your classmates. You walk through the library and see all the people quiet and studying and serious - things that just weren't true in undergrad. (At least, that wasn't me in undergrad.) If you are going to succeed, you think to yourself, you must study at least as much as these other serious people. It is like a cold war of studying that can heat up during finals season.
There is present from the beginning, even from the speakers in orientation, the assumption that everyone generally will enter into this race and will shoot to be the best, and we will just see who makes it. The smart people will try really hard to make Law Review - and of course, you want to make Law Review because it's the most prestigious thing. And a step below that is Moot Court. And you're going to want to do those things because you are going to want to look good to the best employers who you are inevitably going to try to interview with pretty soon... Gotta make good grades first semester, or else. Gotta make good grades 1L year to get the on-campus-interviews for your 2L summer.
This is the air we breathe. Some people are able to escape it. Perhaps because they are wise. Others are forced to escape it. By their grades. It is said, 90% of the people are not in the top 10% of the class. Sounds like Yogi Bera.
Law school is particularly dangerous for me because it invites me to forget some things that I truly thought I had learned.
My identity in middle school and high school was wrapped up in needing to be the best and be seen as the best. I looked to achievement as validation. I wanted to be the best in each category of my life - academics, sports, SAT scores, college admissions, mock trial, even my spiritual life. My identity was not in Christ but was wrapped up in pushing myself to achievement.
I achieved what I was looking for within my own circles in Dalton. I found those successes. But at the end of every success, I won't say there was disappointment, but there was a need to move on to bigger and better successes. The hunger was never fully satiated. Yes, I won this particular competition at the regional level, but I'll be really happy if I can win it at the state or national level... Yes, I had a good year in baseball, but I want to work to have a better year next year... There was never a point at which I could look back and be satisfied and just rest.
As a senior in high school, I realized that it would never be enough. Say, for instance, that I could achieve in wider circles what I had achieved in my smaller Dalton circles. Would I be happy then? Not exactly that I was unhappy, but what was driving me? What was I looking for? What did my life really need to be about? Where did God fit into all of this? Did I want to fill my lifetime with the same basic purpose that I had pursued in my adolescence?
One evening, realizing how I had sidelined God, I prayed through Philippians 3:7 - "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ." I tried to visualize each thing that I was proud of, and I tried to lay it on the figurative altar before God. I said to him, if this stands in the way of me and You, please take it from me. This is something I need to continue to do.
Fast forward. That was about eight years ago now. Law school, if I let it, is constantly inviting me to pick up all my old habits of worship, placing myself first. It is not that all the advice we receive about class and jobs and extra-curriculars is false. It is that they can take on a false sense of importance.
Jesus is more important than grades.
Jesus is more important than success.
Jesus is more important than finding a job.
Because Jesus is the most important Person and the most important reality in the universe. Through him all things were created, and in him all things will be summed up. As the Lamb who was slain, he is worthy of all our worship - not just our lip service. While the law and law school and getting a job are important, Jesus is preeminent. All of our current worries will eventually give way to eternity, and we will find out that a lot of what we did didn't matter, and some of the things we didn't give a second thought were really the most important. I know this: a thousand years from now no one is going to care what my class rank was. (And probably a lot sooner than that.)
This is not complicated, but it is sometimes hard to keep straight. You won't keep it straight if you allow your heart to operate on cruise control. I know I won't. I am always in need of fresh repentance. I hope that if you are reading this and are in law school that you will be encouraged and reminded of what is truly important. If you are not in law school, I hope you are encouraged as well. May God grant us wisdom, and may we walk in His love and forgiveness wherever we are. Soli Deo gloria!
